


self-help (and the clearing of demon goo)

by elfloversanonymous (asexuelf)



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: BDSM, Communication, D/s, Dom Anders (Dragon Age), Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Masturbation, Past Abuse, Past Fenris/Isabela (Dragon Age), Past Slavery, Safewording, Sub Fenris (Dragon Age), also fenris as a painter, and i love fenris being an artist, because i am a weak-willed man, kink as therapy, of the nonconsensual sort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-02 13:44:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20276848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexuelf/pseuds/elfloversanonymous
Summary: Anders provides Fenris with a new exercise, but old habits - and old memories - get in the way.





	1. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hoping this is part 1 of 3, but we shall see... im trying to churn this fic out to fight the writer's block ive got, but that doesnt always mean i'll finish something, tragically. regardless, part 1 should work well enough on its own!
> 
> warnings for past forced chastity and danarius being a dumb bitch

Fenris liked when they negotiated. Moreso, Fenris liked that he and Anders negotiated this dance of control at all, having never been in a position to do so, and found the continuous experience of their talks to be not just novel, but lovely.

They also sat on equal ground. Fenris had never been permitted equal ground with Danarius - for the obvious reason being that Danarius never cared what Fenris wanted or needed beyond what would keep him obedient. Anders, however, _ did _ care. Not just for his needs and his wants but for _ him_, and he showed it when he patted the bed beside him with a grin or gestured to the seat at the table across from him with twinkling eyes. And the way he'd ask; not just _ do you want _ or _ do you need _ but _ why, _ in a way that never felt judgmental or prying.

Anders asked this information for both their safety and their comfort, and if Fenris didn't want to give, he never took.

Perhaps consequently, Fenris always gave.

They were lying in bed, side by side, Anders' head resting on his shoulder. They talked about their respective days, laughed or sympathized with the other, when finally Anders turned to face Fenris.

"I want to add something new to our play."

Fenris had suspected they might start introducing new things soon, given they had already seemed to master the much smaller exercises, but he still felt a little wary. He'd struggled with the submission exercises and though he had come to enjoy the heady feeling of Anders' hand around his neck - not pushing or squeezing, just commanding attention - and the sensation of Anders looming over him like a combination of threat and promise, he had had to work for it. They both had.

He could only hope he would succeed.

"What is it you desire?"

Anders leaned up on an elbow and smiled. "Well, since we're both a bit chuffed about chastity, given our respective pasts with it, I was thinking we'd do the opposite."

"...Not being in chastity?"

"Well, that's more middle-ish, in my eyes. Not being in chastity is in the middle, being in chastity is on one end, and… My plans are on the other end. And they involve feeling very good and very often, if we can get you there."

Fenris gulped. They had struggled with sexual touch so far - _ sensual _, they had succeeded, and beautifully, but going further than that frightened Fenris still. Despite his desires, and despite his sexual appetite outside of their dominance and submission game, he found it… difficult. He was too prone to flashbacks, even small ones, while playing.

"I know that sounds like a lot." Having noticed Fenris' uncertainty, he leaned forward and pressed a quick, wet kiss to his cheek. "And if we can get there, one day it will be. But for now, we have to break through old traumas and put new, better things in place. Like clearing out old demon mush to build a painting studio."

"You aren't going to let me forget that, are you?" _ A man leaves his stolen mansion uncleaned for half a decade once and no one lets it go. _

"No. Not until you paint me, at least. Twice."

Despite his nerves, Fenris found himself laughing. "I will consider it. You are a more attractive model than a bowl of fruit, anyhow."

"Good to know you pick me over potassium."

The humor in Anders' eyes made them appear bright and young and Fenris blushed, unable to make eye contact even as he grinned. "Are you ready to tell me your plan for this metaphorical painting studio?"

"Oh! Yes, so…" Anders scooted himself even closer, bringing his head back down so they were level again. "What I was thinking was, since you struggle with touch of a more sexual nature, perhaps your own hands would be kinder while we work our way up-"

"I am unsure, Anders. Danarius, he… I was never allowed to pleasure myself. Even now, I…" And how does one tell their bedmate - playmate? consensual commander? - that they don't masturbate?

Anders nodded. "Yes, I figured as much from what you've told me. Which is why it feels the best place to start."

There was merit to his suggestion, true… Fenris bit his lip and thought about it. Perhaps, at Anders' behest, it would be easier to avoid the fear that came with self-stimulation. If Anders ordered it, then Fenris knew no one would punish him… But the difference between _ knowing _ and _ feeling _ was often the problem; and Fenris suspected it was fifty percent of the game he and Anders played anyhow.

"If you can't manage it, I will not be disappointed. If you don't _ want _to, I won't be disappointed. But I'd like to see you heal, so you need to be honest, alright?"

Fenris blinked at him and then nodded. "What did you have in mind?"

"When I am not with you, when you are alone at night, I want you to take yourself in hand. Or really, when you _ want _ to take yourself in hand, I want you to."

It was not often that Fenris found himself aroused unless stimulated by another person, but it would be easy enough to try. Though the thought did bring Danarius to mind, and fear of punishment or worse, it was something he _ did _ want to heal from. He wanted his body to be his again. He'd made progress already by sleeping with Isabela and by submitting to Anders, but he wanted to break every chain, until he was entirely free. 

And Anders always made it clear that _ failure _ was not possible here, not unless Fenris was dishonest about his needs or limits…

"Alright," he said. "I can do it. I can try."

Anders leaned forward for a kiss. "Thank you, Fenris. We'll go over your progress in a week's time. And of course, you're not to do something that harms you. If it gets to be too much, please don't fight your limits. Not without me there to keep you safe."

Fenris smiled and kissed him in return. "Of course, Anders."

"Good." Another kiss, then another. "Now, let's give you something to think about at night."

When Anders rolled over him, pressing their foreheads together and pinning his arms at his sides, the task ahead of Fenris no longer felt so impossible.

-

It was the fourth night since Anders' instruction and Fenris was feeling… awkward. A more accurate description would perhaps be _ scared_, were he willing to call it such, but he worried that doing so would only make it more difficult. Knowing he was afraid would make the thing he feared that much easier to imagine. To remember.

The previous evening had gone similarly and had been ended quickly by this very same fear. 

So, he dubbed it awkwardness and tried to shoo the rest from his mind. He focused instead on the memory of Anders' lips against his ear, his gentle kisses and gentler hands. The ticklish sensation of his fingers against Fenris' sides. The all-encompassing warmth of being beneath him and being praised.

Somewhere along the lines, memory became fantasy, and the over-the-clothes groping they'd engaged in turned into so much more. He could imagine Anders over him, inside of him, but his hands hesitated to follow the trail Anders' would make; over his naval, avoiding his member, and reaching down to enter him with one gentle fingertip…

Fenris bit his lip and closed his eyes. He called forward the instructions Anders gave him, focused on doing what Anders said, but stopped. Anders said to masturbate when _ he _ wanted to… Did he want to? He certainly wanted Anders' touch, wanted to continue fantasizing about those tender, healing hands, but touching himself felt too high a shelf to reach tonight. Not when he knew the shelf would collapse and he'd be walloped by everything sitting on it.

So, he curled up under his blanket and thought of Anders. His kiss, his touch, his body, but more than anything, his sweetness.

-

The next few nights went similarly and Fenris told him so over lunch.

"I was able, however, to reach great arousal. When I bucked my hips, I would always stop myself, almost against my own will."

Although he didn't look disappointed, Anders did look concerned. "You haven't managed even a little grope?"

"No." Despite himself, Fenris' ears droop downward and he catches himself looking away. "You said… when I want to. And though I do feel the physical want to pleasure myself, I'm just never certain if I'd be ready for the mental fallout after I… reached completion."

"Spunked, I think you're looking for. Or splooged. Creamed?"

Fenris laughed. "Yes, that. Or honestly, even after just a stroke of my hand… I'm not sure I'm in a place to handle that when I'm alone."

Something in Anders' face changed and his eyes grew very wide. "Oh. Well, Fenris, that's actually very helpful to me. I'm proud of you."

"What for?" He knew Anders was not likely to be angry - he wouldn't have allowed Anders to have this sort of control over him if he was - but _ proud? _He'd not even managed a measly poke to his head or tickle over his smalls. Even when he'd been nearly wriggling with the thought of Anders holding him down and running his hands over his body, he'd been unable to move his own from his side, as if they'd been frozen.

"For knowing your limits, Fenris, and for telling me them."

Fenris blushed. "Ah. I- Thank you."

With a somewhat mischievous smile, Anders brought Fenris' knuckles to his lips and kissed.

Unable to hold eye contact, Fenris stared down at the table and grinned, tapping the fingers of his free hand against his cup of coffee. Anders had a habit of making him feel small in the best ways - like he was not just precious, but truly valued. A small that was big in all the important ways. Even when Fenris shrunk in on himself from bashfulness or nervousness, it seemed only better for Anders to hold him that way, like he'd hold a kitten in the palm of his hand.

"Now that we know that…" Anders lips brushed against Fenris' still-held hand as he spoke. "Would you like to change our plans? Perhaps you can masturbate when you spend your nights with me, or we can try to find another week to spend together. I had thought exploring on your own would be best for you, but I can see now we ought to put that off for a bit later..."

He took a moment to think about it. "Perhaps, if you were there..." he admitted. "Though I do find myself disappointed I couldn't serve you this way."

So quickly, Anders melted. "You say the sweetest things sometimes… You did serve me, though. You _ tried _ and when there were complications, you told me. I'm so happy with you."

It was a fight not to take his hand away from Anders' face so as to cover his own with it, but he managed. "Thank you."

"Thank _ you_, you gorgeous thing."

It was then that Fenris dissolved entirely into giggles, the type of which he'd only heard from blushing girls and, well, Merrill. But he knew Anders wouldn't judge him.

"No, _ you_."

"No, _ you! _"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remembered im going to be out of town for a bit so i wont be able to post this tomorrow night! so i'll post it now and hopefully get the next bit done just as quickly. it'll be up in two days time, most likely
> 
> this one's a bit more angsty, because i'm Like This, so warnings for safewording, past abuse, and having confusing feelings for one's (past!) abuser

"Anders, _ please_, I need…"

"If you need touch, Fenris, you've two hands right there." 

With a somewhat petulant groan, Fenris fell forward as much as he could with Anders' vice-like hold on him, gritting his teeth when their foreheads knocked together. "_Please. _"

He adjusted his unyielding grip on Fenris' hips and began circling his thumbs just by Fenris' groin in a way that felt truly lovely. The gentle touch made his cock twitch, leaking and hard, and he begged again for Anders to touch him.

Anders, however, was more stone than man, and refused to bend to Fenris' desires, even if he was noticeably hard in his own trousers.

"It's alright," he cooed against Fenris' hot skin. "Just take your hand from my shoulder-" Fenris did so, holding it awkwardly to the side. "-and put it where you want me to touch you."

Ignoring the embarrassing whimper that escaped him, Fenris did so, snaking his shaking hand down to press at his perineum. Even just the pad of his longest finger so gentle against the skin there felt divine - and demonic. He flinched and pulled his hand away with a frustrated whine.

Anders kissed him, once, then three times. "You're doing so well. Just a little longer, hm?"

Fenris wasn't sure he believed him. It felt like they'd be here for years. He ached as if they had already.

"How about this," Anders squeezed his hips and offered another kiss. "You hold your hand on your cock for as long as thirty seconds and then we're finished. I'll run you a cold bath, then a warm one, and we can eat and rest and talk..." 

That did sound very nice. As much as Fenris wanted to finish more… traditionally, it didn't seem like that would be happening anytime soon. So, he crooked an elbow behind Anders' neck, holding tight to his shirt and pressing their noses close together, and wrapped his other hand very loosely around his member.

It was hot and heavy in his hand. Even just the slightest brush of his skin against it made him gasp and twitch. 

Anders resumed his tight hold of Fenris' hips and began to move them. "Keep your hand still," he said, and pulled Fenris' hips closer, then pushed them further away, making him thrust his hips into his own hand.

Fenris ached to tighten his hand, but fear gripped him harder. His gut, which was tight with want, was also nauseous, roiling with foul memories like the stinking sea lapping against the docks. The sweat of exertion grew cold and clammy against his skin and he felt his breathing go from labored to hyperventilating. 

"Anders," he gasped, but Anders shushed him.

"You're safe, Fenris. I want this. We both do."

His eyes began to prickle and without thinking, he removed his hand and gripped Anders’ shirt tightly with it. "Malus," he cried, burying his face in the soft material at his shoulder. "Malus, malus, malus, _ malus _-"

Already, Anders had picked him up and walked him briskly to the closet, where he sat Fenris on his lap and curled up in the corner, making them both small and hiding them from the world like Fenris needed.

Fenris flinched when Anders cast a spell, but the sudden red tint to the backs of his eyelids told him it was only a magelight. Anders didn't like the dark, Fenris remembered, nor did he like cramped spaces.

"We're alright, you're safe, it's just me," But Anders wasn't complaining, just spilling out sweet words to keep Fenris in the present. Being what Fenris needed him to be. "No one's here but us and no one will ever take you, by the Maker-"

Fenris pressed a kiss to his mouth, silencing him, then snuggled back into his chest. "Sorry. I thought…"

"Don't ever be sorry for telling me your limits. We've been over this, silly man." Anders rubbed his back soothingly. "Thank you for watchwording. It can be dangerous pushing limits like that, and you told me when to stop."

Fenris glanced up from beneath his eyelashes and, at the serious expression on Anders' face, found himself smiling. "Thank you for stopping."

"That's like thanking someone for not shanking you and stealing your coin purse, but you're quite welcome.” He punctuated this statement with a firm kiss to Fenris’ forehead. “Are you alright? What can I do to help you?"

Fenris shook his head. "I am well. This isn't like last time…" He spoke of a week prior, when he had bit Anders, terrified, kicking at him before he demanded to be alone. He'd spent longer than he was proud to say crying, and Anders, who had sat outside the door and waited for Fenris to call him back, unable to leave while he was so obviously unwell, had listened with what he described as a broken heart. "I would be… grateful if you would hold me. Just like this."

"Of course." Anders snuggled his nose into Fenris' hair. "Would you like to be dressed?"

No. Yes. "Perhaps in a moment. I do not want to move just yet."

Patient as always, Anders simply held him, his presence soothing even as Fenris began to shake from chill. When he noticed Fenris shivering, Anders adjusted them to cover more of his skin, rubbing his hands over Fenris’ legs and arms to warm him.

Finally, Fenris couldn't hold back a laugh. It was a tender, quiet sound, but it was there. "I think I'd like that bath now, if that's alright."

"I think that sounds perfect."

Upon leaving the cramped space, Anders' entire demeanor grew relaxed in a way Fenris hadn't noticed it wasn't before. If he gave his mage more kisses than usual, Anders didn't question why. He only smiled into them, looking at Fenris as if the elf had invented lips just for his sake.

-

Regardless of how he wanted to feel, Fenris found himself deeply frustrated.

They'd made so little progress, despite what Anders had said to the contrary, and it was starting to grate on his nerves (and his self-esteem). 

"I just want to do better for you. And for me!" Fenris hurried to add as Anders opened his mouth. When it was closed again, he continued, "I should be past this now, shouldn't I? I want to be free from Danarius, but how can I be free when I can't even take myself in hand because _ he _ wouldn't _ like it?" _

For a moment, Anders was silent, looking thoughtful at the simple plate of eggy toast they shared. "The way I see it, Fenris, freedom isn't something you can simply run to. There are obstacles in the way; for me, it was people. Allowing myself to care for them, allowing myself to be cared for… I was lucky. Justice cares for the people, for all people, and when I merged with him, all my fears washed away. Well, most of them.

You have to run _ and _ avoid these obstacles, in ways I didn't. Think of your path to healing not as an uphill climb or a long trek, but as a battlefield. Right now, you're trying to leave it, but there's still flame and arrows and bombs. The ground in front of you is trapped to the Void and back. And when the road in front of you is littered with landmines…" Anders averted his eyes and bit his lip. "It's really best to go slow. Very slow. And carefully."

Fenris raised an eyebrow at Anders' response. The words made sense, and so he nodded, but the guilt on Anders' face concerned him. "What is it, mage?"

"I… push you too far sometimes. I should know to be more patient. I'm sorry."

Despite himself, Fenris smiled. "You never push me further than I want to be pushed."

At that, Anders' lips twitched, eyes growing warm, but he still avoided Fenris' face, poking at their food with his fork. "Of course not. I care for you. I respect you deeply."

"Teehee," said Fenris, then blanched.

Anders fell into giggles himself. "I haven't even brought out the lines yet! Or the flowers!"

"Don't get me flowers!" He'd cry right then and there, he thought. "I do not consent to that!"

At that, Anders erupted into snorting laughter and, fool he was, very nearly fell out of his chair.

-

Later that evening, painting a carefully golden portrait of Minrathous Square by memory, Fenris thought of his problem. He wondered, thinking so fondly of this place where he had only known pain, whether it was truly punishment he feared.

Although it was impossible to say aloud, he had loved Danarius. Because he was all he had known, yes. Because he had been essentially created and brought up to revere the man as a god, yes. But also because he had known Danarius better than any living soul.

He had seen Danarius angry. The lines of rage on that aged face still stood vividly in Fenris' mind. But he had seen other things, too. The low, long sigh he would breathe through his nose when he was frustrated. The slight twitch of his eyelids when he was afraid. The too-toothy grin of true, happy surprise when Fenris would know his moods, when his favorite gladiator would win, when an old ally would provide him with a particularly thoughtful gift. And the leaner smile, thin but honest, when he would make a break through with a particular study or with the politics in Seheron. The way he looked when he was proud of himself or proud of Fenris.

Danarius had shared everything with him. His secrets, his fears, his desires. He had seen Danarius shit and vomit and cry and laugh. But Danarius had never seen him. Any time Fenris had made the mistake of trying to show him, he had beaten him, or worse, Danarius would not punish him at all. He would look down at him with those blue-grey eyes and say that Fenris’ disobedience had broken his heart. 

A heavy lump grew in Fenris' throat, confused and hurt and hateful. He wanted to scream until he bled from the lungs. He wanted to tear his own flesh from his bone, just to become something Danarius would never want to look at again. He wanted to walk through fire.

He washed off his brush and chose a different color.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! <3


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tadaaa! a bit later than i'd hoped, but i accidentally pulled two all-nighters in a row while helping my sister move, which means i slept for daaaaays.
> 
> hope you enjoy!

As always, they talked about what happened. And talked about it. And talked about it. And… kept talking about it.

At first, Fenris assumed they were simply taking extra precautions, but after the third time with no real discussion of play - not even something they'd already practiced!- it was obvious that Anders was putting things off.

"You're losing your nerve," Fenris finally accused him, sitting in the seat across from him in the parlor. The room was mostly decrepit still, but there was a clean table in one end, comfortable chairs all about, and even a small amount of books on recently dusted shelves. "But I don't understand why. Or why you aren't simply honest with me."

Anders looked at him with wide eyes, looking caught like a doe. They both knew it to be true - the healer's once confident aura had turned awkward and unsure as of late and it was impossible not to notice the way he evaded Fenris' quiet questions. "Er-"

"Anders. I am not made of glass." His eyes found the floor, following the details of the old Nevarran rug he had never found the will to throw out. It was stained in places, and Fenris' eyes stuck to a dark spot he thought might be the years-old remains of a Rage Demon, but it was a part of the mansion now as much as Fenris was, so it remained. "If you want to tell me this is over, then do it. It is pointless to drag me behind you if you are walking away from me."

A hand clasped quickly on his own and, startled, he looked up to meet Anders' eyes. The mage looked intensely at him, leaning forward in his chair, his face open and eyes shining. "Is that what you think? That I want you gone?"

Fenris shifted in his seat. Was that not true? For weeks, they'd done little but avoid the topic of Fenris' inability and the topic of why. Surely that means Anders is finished. It must.

"Oh, Fen… No, that's not it at all." He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, adjusting the other to lock his fingers with the elf in front of him. "I never want to make you feel that way."

Blushing now, Fenris nodded. "I… apologize. I have a habit of jumping to conclusions."

"When you're afraid, yes. I've noticed. But there's nothing to be afraid of with me, I promise. I will never harm you, nor will I abandon you."

It was a nice promise, and one Anders couldn't truly make, but Fenris accepted it with a somewhat wavering smile. "Thank you. I worry only because…" He struggled for words. "We have these weekly talks of my submission, yet we've said nothing. Or, I should say,  _ you've _ said nothing. Not of substance."

Anders shrank under Fenris' harsh stare and grinned nervously. "Yes… I haven't been very good at communicating, have I?"

"No. Not since I told you…" Showing Anders the painting had been foolish. Telling him about Danarius and his love had been foolish. Letting himself be held by those arms while he wept had been unbelievably, unspeakably foolish.

The mage brought a hand behind his neck and scratched idly at the baby hairs of his messy updo. His smile was gone. "That was not my intention, I swear."

"I did not believe it intentional."

Anders looked at him forlornly, tilting his head like a sad puppy. It was so reminiscent of Hawke's mabari, Fenris' mood struggled to stay low. Time passed where Anders struggled with his words, and finally, Fenris sighed.

"I care for you," he admitted. "I trust you. Enough to submit to you, enough to share facts and evidence of Danarius' torment… Enough to listen to whatever it is that keeps you back." He was certain he knew, but Anders was the one who said that even obvious things may be spoken for clarity. For surety. "I want to hear you, Anders. I want to talk."

Not meeting his eyes, Anders laughed. "You just made  _ I want to talk _ sound like a good thing. You may very well be the first, love."

Fenris smiled.

"Alright. Yes. We should talk." Anders sighed. "I'm just uncertain how to… I don't know what to say."

His thumb pressed gently against Anders' knuckles with each pass they took over them. "Say what you mean. What you hope for. What you want. Whether you still want me now that you know how deeply I am broken."

"You aren't broken-"

"Perhaps not now," he conceded. "But at one point, I was. And I suffer with those wounds even today."

The hand holding Fenris' squeezed. "That's why we started this, isn't it? To help heal those wounds. I knew that already, even if I didn't know the… specifics, which we talked about that night."

Despite his anxieties, Fenris found himself wanting to curl up on top of Anders and bury his face in the meeting place of neck and shoulder. "And you still wanted me."

"I still do." As if reading his mind, Anders stood and plopped himself across Fenris' lap. "But I'm not sure where to go from here, Fenris. You say the reason it hurts you is because it hurt Danarius… And as much as I want to hurt Danarius, I don't want to hurt you."

Fenris raised an eyebrow. "You named spanking among your interests when we began, didn't you?"

"Don't deflect with humor! That's my thing!" Tension gone, Anders leaned further against Fenris. "And I like being spanked far more than I like spanking."

That caused Fenris to blink, but he quietly pinned it away in his mind to revisit later. "May I speak honestly, Anders?"

"It's the one condition I have."

Fenris kissed him. "I don't think we can do this without me getting hurt, but I still want to do it."

Brow falling into strange lines, Anders stared into Fenris' eyes and worried his lip. "I don't want to force you."

"Is it force if I ask you to force me?"

Thankfully, Anders knew him well enough to see that he was being genuine in his asking. "Well. No," he said. "But also yes. If we are very careful and you are open to sharing the mental risks of this exercise, then... we can talk. However, Fenris, you must know that I must trust you as well. You have to be honest. I have to be able to know when you are hurting and how. I can bend a rod without it breaking, but not if I don't know its limits."

"I know," Fenris replied, leaning forward for another kiss. Though there was a sternness about him, Anders responded quite willingly.

"So… What are you wanting from me?"

Smiling a brilliant smile, Fenris told him.

Though he appeared unsure for a moment, Anders stared into his eyes and eventually smiled in return and agreed. "I trust you," he said. "And I'll take good care of you."

"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that should about wrap it up! i might post a bonus smut scene later (with spanking and jerking off galore) but we shall see
> 
> either way - thanks for reading! *bows*


End file.
